Walking with F.

As I walked the path of light

I stumbled upon a new mate

I could not quite understand this new friend of mine

Let’s just call him F.

The more I walked with F the more my life changed in stature

Some people began to love me more because of F

yet some people began to despise me because of the very same F

F provoked envy and haters…

But again F also provoked people in high places to recognize me

Oh how confusing it is to walk with F.

I notice people struggle manually with things

But F made me get them automatically

I am in awe of all the things F has seen me through

Like i would chocolate, I began to indulge in F

You won’t believe what i discovered about F as I read the holy book

F had befriended many others before me,

Noah, Moses, David, Solomon, Ruth

I can’t believed I had missed this truth!

I studied F and realised that sometimes I had to provoke F

in order to get first preference.

After all Ruth’s humility and hard-working spirit

had caused F to connect her to Boaz

I can’t believe it 

That very same F located me and is walking with me

I keep asking God…who am I?

I cannot find the answer,

an easier question to answer though

Is the one you are asking yourself

WHO IS F?

F, my friend is FAVOUR.

Of success and stigma: The dilemma of the African alpha female

A WONDERFUL READ ON THE ALPHA FEMALE…

FADZAYI MAHERE

afr

Thirty years ago, the notion of an African alpha female might have been unfathomable. Africa had generally done very little to overcome the traditional view of a woman’s role in society. In many African states, women were regarded as chattels to be inherited. They were given no formal education as their primary purpose in life was to be given out in marriage. Women, despite their age were considered to be forever under the control of either their husband or male relatives. Women and girls could not inherit or own property nor could they participate fully in public life or any decision-making within their immediate community. They had no right over the children they bore and were commonly the victims of domestic violence.

Today, with varying degrees of success, African countries have overcome the notion that a woman is a perpetual minor, with no capacity to make any decisions of her own…

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Gameo To Yeshua

"I am yours. I give you all of me" #GameoToYeshua

“I am yours. I give you all of me” #GameoToYeshua

Let me in your dwelling place

Let me in Lover of my soul

That secret place where I can lose myself

Lose myself in your fulfilling presence

 

Undress my heart, my Yeshua

Undress and search me…

In my shameful nudity envelope me

In your eternal love, Yeshua

 

Kiss me with the breath of life

Life I live for you, oh sweet Yeshua

Oh what a sweet taste on my lips

The taste of goodness and mercy

 

Caress my skin with righteousness

All over my body

On the smallest parts of me

On the hidden parts of me

Caress me with Godliness, Precious Lover

 

Massage me with your grace

On every curve of inequity

On every contour of inadequacy

On every fold of insecurity

Massage me with overflowing scented oils

Oils of grace and mercy, My sweet Yeshua

 

Touch me in my heart’s deepest parts

Crumble past hurts and pain

Oh what healing, what restoration

Your touch makes me whole, oh my Yeshua

 

 

 

For I have experienced touch

Defiling touch that brought about

Shame and blemish

Scars and scratches of impurity

Upon thy temple

 

Oh but YOUR touch

YOUR resurrecting Touch Yeshua…

Do not hesitate to touch

For I am yours,

I give all of me to you

 

Take me now, not tomorrow

I don’t want to waste me

So take me

And have your way…

Death, you suck!

WARNING: This is a rant. It is neither inspirational nor motivational. It is just me in therapy yet again.

 

Where is the pause button when you need it?

The loss of a close loved one just disrupts the order in your life.

Life does not just go on, no. Its a process.

You are left with so much disorientation and unanswered questions to deal with.

You have numerous emotion-filled conversations with God…

‘Did she choose to go?’

‘Did you choose to take her? ‘

You refuse to accept His will (as if you have a choice)

You just want your loved one back so much.

The world doesn’t stop and give you time to grieve

Nor an opportunity to lick your wounds and heal

You have to keep up with life and carry your wound

second to second

minute to minute

hour to hour

day to day

week to week

month to month

year to year…

Loss

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine discovered I had a blog and asked me why I had not updated it in so long and well I’ll quote my response to her “I experienced a writer’s block caused by the shock of losing my aunt. Each time I try to write I feel like I should write about that but then I get so emotional, then I try to write something lighter and it feels so ingenuine compared to the initial piece. So ndinongorega”.  Apart from death I also experienced another type of loss and I think I owe myself some therapeutic writing…so I’ll consider myself in a session write now. See what I did there?

 

LOSS OF MY PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE

One night last year as I sat in the lounge watching TV I heard the sound of glass break and I ignored. Eventually I went to bed just after 2am and only then did I discover that someone had broken into my room and stolen my laptop. I recalled the sound of the breaking glass and the shuffle sounds. Up until the police arrived (in a dramatic convoy) at my house I was in denial. As soon as I opened the door for the police I realised it was all real, and I just broke down in tears leaving the police feeling a little awkward. I thought they dealt with these kinds of issues all the time! The next morning my pastor called me to check on me and he made me realise that I was fortunate to be alive, untouched and at that moment I was grateful to be alive, after all I could always replace the laptop. At least that’s what I thought…

 

However as time moved I kept realising one thing after the other that was taken which I hadn’t initially noticed…now that was painful. As I prepared to go to work, I realised that my jewellery box too was gone! Earrings are replaceable, yes…but there was some pretty sentimental stuff in that box. I am a highly, extremely sentimental being so this tore me apart. Let me elaborate:

 

I like to make my prophetic declarations on my life tangible e.g. I had a necklace (birthday gift) with an Eiffel Tower as a declaration that one day I will go to France to explore French culture as I’d always dreamt since childhood. I also have a key chain (gift from France), a picture frame with the Eiffel Tower. The plan was to one day wear the necklace right next to the Eiffel Tower and then frame it in the Eiffel Tower picture frame…get the picture? I felt like I had lost a dream. It’s a terrible feeling for a dreamer like me.

 

In addition, I had a ‘Miss October’ necklace which was a gift from a friend. This break-in happened in October, my birthday month and I was wearing that necklace everyday of that month just as a build up to my birthday. That was gone too.

 

Two days after the break in I discovered that two costly brand new T-shirts I bought for my two friends were on the bed next to the laptop and they were gone as well. I bought them as ‘just because’ gifts because I just valued these two guys and we had come to be more of family than we were friends. So it was just a token of appreciation. It took me close to an hour to select the perfect T-shirt for each of them because I wanted it to go with their personality not just any T would do (I did mention I am pretty sentimental).

 

I felt so violated, some stranger was somewhere out there with my life in their hands. These things were my past, my present and my future and to him/her/them they were just things with monetary value they meant absolutely nothing to him except maybe a couple of bank notes. To me they were priceless and of immeasurable value. Every time I told anyone about this ordeal they sympathised that I lost a laptop, to everyone else that was the one thing which they thought was the most valuable amongst the stuff I lost. It wasn’t about the laptop; it was the pictures, my unpublished work in progress blog posts, my research proposal and literature review, videos of cherished moments, you know.

 

LOSS OF LOVED ONE’S LIVES

 

This is the most recent type of loss I’ve had to deal with. I lost my aunt, my beloved Mainini Grace. She was a mother to me. Coincidentally she was buried on the exact date that my grandmother passed away the previous year and they were extremely close, so I always think to myself that it seems as if they planned it. I am not even over my grandmother’s death yet and then salt is added to the wound. Mainini had been sick for several years, she was unfortunate enough to have a severe case of arthritis at a young age. She had a number of operations, she experienced a great deal of physical pain and at times it seemed she was losing her mind. She was bedridden for almost 4 years and could not walk anymore; I cursed Arthritis for being such a cruel disease. I am grateful to God that she got saved during her time of sickness and she began to seek God in the midst of all she was going through. While others lose faith in such trying times, Mainini gained it.

 

I had so much faith that she was going to be healed and would live to testify. After all we prayed, we fasted, we laboured in the spirit for her healing…it was pretty ‘obvious’ to me that God allowed all that pain to increase the impact of her testimony…I never…NEVER…would have thought that God would take her so soon. When I heard the news I was angry at God. I couldn’t talk to Him. I didn’t understand Him. I was bitter towards Him. I could not grasp the idea that all those years of pain and suffering that Mainini went through were for nothing. I still don’t get it. If He knew He was going to take her why did He not spare her all the years of excrutiating pain?

 

I don’t know how death works but I sometimes wonder…maybe God gave her a choice and she chose to go. Maybe she is the one who gave up on the painful and miserable walk towards a great testimony. I needed to blame someone and the easiest target was God because He is the Almighty, he had the power to fix it and He didn’t.

 

Eventually I had to face Him, I had to cry to Him. The Holy Spirit reminded me of a show I had watched on TV the previous week where a woman shared her grieving experience after she lost her daughter. Like me, she too had been asking God all sorts of ‘Why’ questions and could not come to terms with her loss. She say God spoke to her and I remember the harsh but true words God said to her, ‘HER LIFE WAS MY BUSINESS NOT YOURS’. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I am still coming to terms with this statement. I won’t lie, friends you don’t just hear something like that and say ‘Amen’. You swallow hard first and start the process of digesting this fact. I am still in that process…

 

POSITIVE OUTCOMES

  • I might have lost the tangible symbols of my dreams, aspirations, goals…but I still had the ability to dream for my heart is a well of unexplored dreams.
  • I’ve learnt to cherish the actual process of making memories and delve deep into how I feel at that specific moment
  • I now know what it actually means to say God is a Healer and Restorer because I have a point of reference. The words carry more weight.
  • Mainini Grace found salvation when she was at her worst physically, emotionally, mentally; she found something to believe in that was higher than all the pain she felt.
  • My grandmother left us peacefully on a Sunday, her day of worship after imparting so much wisdom in our lives by instilling the power of prayer.
  • Writing about things that make me feel exposed and vulnerable is part of the gift. 

This is Salvation

Yes, its 2013. Thank you Lord. I will not waste time on the whole new year, new this, new that, new blessings, new whatsoever-tickles-your-fancy. That whole beginning of the year vibe…

I met a man on Saturday as I strolled to the mall. Tattered shoes, torn shirt, a pair of trousers that has seen better days…he walked beside me with the biggest smile ever. Obviously as a woman I am skeptical about talking to random men in the street even more so after my ordeal with a break-in last year. He told me I looked very familiar and asked me about various places he might know me from, I had no connection to any of them. I tried to be quiet so that he would leave me alone, instead he just jumped right into conversation. He spoke, I listened…nothing suggesting that he has any ‘love’ interest in me…just simple conversation…he shared his views that people in Seshego bewitch each other, to the story of how his girlfriend whom he loved dearly turned out to be a commercial prostitute after catching her at ‘Big Bite’ trading her body for money.

In the midst of the conversation he mentioned that he was lonely and needs a wife and I advised him that if he prayed God can give him a good wife who will make him very happy. Nothing could have prepared me for the response I got from this angelic stranger “If we pray God can give us anything we ask for”…I felt a conviction within me. As I absorbed the depth in this simple overused statement, he continued “anything you want a good wife or husband, healthy kids, a car…you just need to ask God he can easily give you those things. Its nothing to Him….Its nothing to Him. I heard this over and over in my mind. When he mentioned the car, by reflex my eyes wandered to his torn open-mouth shoes and the Holy Spirit revealed to me that ‘This is what faith is about’ the irony in this man who can hardly afford a decent pair of shoes having so much faith that he can own a car if he trusted God for one…such admirable faith!

  I asked the man if he has a spiritual home and he told me it was the only missing part in his life, so I invited him to the church I am part of and gave him directions etc. He was very grateful and thanked me for listening to him and he spoke a few blessings on my life saying church people dont always entertain people like him and even go so far as inviting him to church…

As we parted ways the Holy Spirit revealed to me that ‘This is what salvation is all about’… 

I pray that when God incr…

I pray that when God increases my WEALTH He may simultaneously increase my WISDOM. Being foolish is one thing, but being a rich fool is a terrible thing – Bianca Phumudzo Ndou